When I Hit You: Or, a Portrait of the Writer as a Young Wife by Meena Kandasamy | Book Review

One can beat around the bush as much as one wants, but the fact of the matter remains: Violence against the women and girls is considered to be one of the most prevalent human rights violations worldwide. The United Nations Population Fund, in a 2015 report, states that “one in three women will experience physical or sexual abuse in her lifetime”.

I have always been troubled as to why women suffer from domestic violence. Why do they need to stay in such a relationship? Why don’t they just walk out? What holds them back?

Meena Kandasamy, in her novel – When I Hit You: Or, A Portrait of the Writer as a Young Wife – writes a hard-hitting account of a writer’s marriage in an effort to lift the veil on the silence that surrounds domestic violence and marital rape in modern India.

She addresses compelling questions in her lyrical style of writing that is poetic and draws you into it’s prose. The incidents she describes play havoc with your mind, and they are not even a fraction of what the victim would have experienced.

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A fictional novel, When I Hit You is inspired by the author’s personal experience. Nonetheless, despite all that she has been through, the narrator does not lose her faith in love. She continues to believe in it, albeit brokenheartedly.

When I Hit You is a lesson to not let your loyalty become slavery. Any relationship, when becomes overbearing, needs to be terminated. One always needs to remember that one can always get out.

And when you have gotten out, then, as Rumi said: “You have escaped the cage. Your wings are stretched out. Now fly.”

To find out more about this book, read my detailed review as published at Writersmelon.com.

Title: When I Hit You: Or, a Portrait of the Writer as a Young Wife
Author: Meena Kandasamy
Publisher: Juggernaut Books
ISBN: 978-93-862283-0-7
Edition/Year: First Edition 2017
Format: Hardcover
Genre: Fiction
Pages: 272
Source: Personal Copy
Rating: 4 Stars

Available on Amazon.

About the Author: Meena Kandasamy has actively sought to combine her love for the written word with the struggle for social justice through poetry, translation, fiction and essays for the last fifteen years. Her debut collection of poems, Touch, was themed around caste and untouchability, and her second, Ms Militancy, was an explosive, feminist retelling/reclaiming of Tamil and Hindu myths. Her critically acclaimed first (anti)novel, The Gypsy Goddess, smudged the line between powerful fiction and fearsome critique in narrating the 1968 massacre of forty-four landless untouchable men, women and children striking for higher wages in the village of Kilvenmani, Tanjore. When I Hit You: Or, a Portrait of the Writer as a Young Wife is her second novel.
She grew up in Chennai, India where she lived most of her life before moving to London in 2016.
She was a fellow of the International Writing Program (IWP) at the University of Iowa in 2009, and a British Council Charles Wallace India Trust Fellow at the University of Kent in 2011. She holds a PhD in sociolinguistics. Her work has appeared in eighteen languages.
To read more about her, visit https://www.kandasamy.co.uk/ or connect with her on social media via Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

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Reminiscent Love

I learnt long ago that we win some, we lose some, yet, life goes on.  Even then, many, like me, who have experienced a great joy or a heartbreaking tragedy will agree it is easier said than done.

It has been a few months since I came out of a nine-year-old relationship and letting go was probably one of the toughest decisions I had to make. There are days when my heart still weeps and I don’t know how to deal with it.

So, here I am, trying to deal with it the only way I can – by writing.

As far as I remember, everything was fine until the first cracks began to appear at the start of the new year. We hadn’t been spending much time together and I assumed that was the reason. I ignored the cracks. Besides, there were other things keeping me busy, leaving me no time to tend to tantrums. That was Mistake No. 1.

When realisation dawned that I was expecting far more than I was investing in the relationship, I decided to rectify my actions. By then, unfortunately, the cracks had deepened.

Despite the glaring signs to which I refused to pay any attention, I convinced myself that it was nothing more than misbelief. That time would heal what was broken. It wasn’t the end yet, it couldn’t be. We had so much more to share. We had to have more time together. That was Mistake No. 2.

When I told my family, some encouraged me to continue, seeing how hung up I was on this relationship. Others tried to convince me it wasn’t worth it. That I should just snap the link once and for all. But I couldn’t muster the courage to take that last step.

So, I decided to seek professional help. Maybe what we really needed was for someone to clinically analyse and gauge if we were worth fixing. When the report came, it broke my heart. The damage was far too extensive. It was then that I finally gave up. If we were so un-mendable, it was best to break all ties. Had it not been for this report, I doubt I would have gone through it .

On June 9th 2017, I finally sold my beloved Honda Civic that had been my partner for all my travels in and around NCR for the last nine years.

In hindsight I think I should have taken this decision much earlier. It would have saved me from so much heartache. But this being my biggest purchase ever, It wasn’t easy at all.

The day the buyer came to collect it, I was trying to think of something to keep with me as a memory. I would have liked to rip a side-view mirror off since we have some special memories together, but those things alone go for a minimum of Rs.5,500. There was no way I could take that.

Eventually, my gaze fell on the pair of cushions emblazoned with the Honda logo which I don’t ever remember using. They sat snug in the boot, wrapped in original packing, since they day I drove the car out of the showroom.

I reminisced about the times, while driving on a long route, when I would think how nice it would be to have a chauffeur while I sit back against the cushions and enjoy the view of the sky, not having to worry about traffic.

So, moments before the buyer arrived to take delivery of my Civic, I sneaked the cushions out of the car and inside my house.

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Nearly four months later, my gorgeous misty-violet beauty may be gone, but its memories are alive. And as I sit and write this, my hand running over the velvet face of the cushion, fingers skimming over the logo, I close my eyes and remember all the good times we’ve had.

I do carry the hope that we may meet someday on the streets of Delhi, side by side on a traffic signal, and beam in that joyous moment of seeing each other again.

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This post is participating in #MyFriendAlexa because I am taking my Alexa rank to the next level with Blogchatter.

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Why Won’t You Apologize? by Harriet Lerner, Ph.D. | Book Review

Sorry. This word can be said in many different ways with many different emotions behind it. Barring a few exceptions, however, saying sorry to someone is hard, and putting your pride down in saying that is probably the hardest.

In Why Won’t You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts, the renowned psychologist and bestselling author of The Dance of Anger, Harriet Lerner sheds new light on the two most important words in the English language: ‘I’m sorry’ – and offers a unique perspective on the challenge of healing broken relationships and restoring trust with the proper use of this phrase.

Lerner has been studying apologies for more than two decades. In this book she offers compelling stories and solid theory to demonstrate the transformative power of making amends, and what is required for healing when the damage we’ve inflicted (or received) is far from simple.

Lerner challenges the popular notion that forgiveness is the only path to peace of mind and helps those who have been injured to resist pressure to forgive too easily. She explains what drives both the non-apologizer and the over-apologizer, and why the people who do the worst things are the least able to own their misdeeds. With her trademark humour and wit, Lerner offers a joyful and sanity-saving guide to setting things right.

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I happened to come across this book on my Instagram feed and was compelled to pick it up after reading the title and tagline.

The most wonderful thing about Why Won’t You Apologize? is that not only does it explain how to apologize like you mean it, but also how to accept an apology from the wrong-doer. An apology can only work if both parties involved in the hurt or betrayal understand the issue without being defensive.

I particularly loved how the author explains what different kinds of apologies imply and why we may feel that despite saying sorry, the person who is hurt is not forgiving.

Why Won’t You Apologize is a must read for those who believe that relationships mean a commitment to understanding each other.

Readers of this book learn how to craft a meaningful apology and avoid signals of insincerity that only deepen suffering.

It does not tell you to be overly generous in your apology or to give in to unreasonable demands. Nor does it ask you to forgive too easily when you are still feeling hurt.

It explains how a wholehearted apology means valuing your relationship and accepting your as well as the other person’s responsibility without any hint of evasion, excuse or blame. It teaches you to lead with your heart, have the courage to apologize and the wisdom to do it meaningfully.

A sincere apology forms the basis of effective leadership, relationships, personal integrity and love. Nothing is more important in life than that.

Title: Why Won’t You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts

Author: Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.
Publisher: Touchstone
ISBN: 978-1-5011-2962-9
Edition/Year: First Edition 2017
Format: Kindle Edition
Genre: Fiction/General
Pages: 209
Source: Personal
Rating: 5 Stars

Available on Amazon.

About the Author: Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., is a relationship expert. Renowned for her work on the psychology of women and family relationships, she served as a staff psychologist at the Menninger Clinic for more than two decades and is currently in private practice. She has written numerous scholarly articles and bestselling books, including the New York Times bestseller The Dance of Anger, which has sold several million copies.
She and her husband live in Lawrence, Kansas, and have two grown sons.
Follow Harriet on Twitter and friend her on Facebook. You will find more about her and her work at www.harrietlerner.com.

This post is participating in #MyFriendAlexa because I am taking my Alexa rank to the next level with Blogchatter.

UPDATE 25th Oct 2017: This review is now also published on womensweb.in

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